12th jan 20

Dear diary,

I know I didnt write an entry for yesterday, but I ended up getting home so late from work, that I just went to bed and fell asleep straight. Today I was listening to the song "wrong direction" by Hailee Steinfeld and I was thinking about toxic relationships. The problem with those relationships is that you are usually the last to know. Also, I think sometimes people don't realise but abusive relationships don't start like that. They start as sweet, caring, passionate, fiercely protective (which is just jealousy but justified as being protective) and seemingly loving. The abuse comes later. So you can see how difficult it is for the victims to think that there is a different way. That there will be a person out there that will treat them as a prince(ss), because she was once treated as a prince(ss) by the devil. And as the old saying goes 'better the devil you know'.
There is also the fact that a lot of people do not know what categorizes as abuse. For me, an abusive relationship is any type of relationship where one of the party is harmed physically or mentally by the other. With physicality it is very easy to understand. If someone touches you in any shape or form without consent, it is physical abuse. The tricky bit is when we start talking about mental abuse since we all have different type of boundaries of what is or isn't allowed to be done to us. But that's it, if someone crosses the boundaries of what is acceptable by you, then it is abuse. This is regardless if they do it in what seems like a sweet, peaceful way. Just because someone does not shout at another to get their own way, does not mean it isn't abuse. For example, imagine a situation where a girl says they will like to wait for marriage to have sex (I know it seems old fashioned but some people believe in it). She meets a boy and falls in love and think he is the one. They are together for some time but everytime the topic of sex is discussed, she always expresses her wishes of waiting until marriage. Everytime that happens the boy seems to accept that those are her wishes. During this time the boy is slowly making her doubt that the friends and family around her really love her. He makes her feel like the only person that truly loves her in the world is him and only him. That without him she would have no one. When this starts to become her true believe, he starts to talk about how pleased he would be with her if she had sex with him. Who wouldn't want to please the only person that truly cares about her and loves her? But she still says no. So slowly he starts behaving as if he is getting bored of her, and that it isn't working out, while again making constant comments about sex. This time the girl becomes so panicked that she willingly chooses to have sex with him.
This is abusive. But for that girl this wouldn't be abuse. After all, he never forced himself on her. She chose to have sex with him because she wanted him to have a happy and fulfilled life. But the reality is that he coerced her and manipulated her until he got what he wanted. The problem with abusive relationships is that they aren't straight forward. They are not easy to identify by the victims or bystanders. This makes it harder to help the victims to become free from the cage that is their life. So next time people see in the news about someone suffering abuse, I hope they don't ask.silly questions such as 'why didn't they just leave?' or 'why did they stay that long? They probably enjoyed it, and just want attention now'. I hope people understand how fragile the situation is, and that they understand that sometimes the victims are the first to defend the perpetrator, claiming they did nothing wrong, and that they need them. They are the victims. Period.
P.S.: I am still reading the veil diaries, and u have to say WOW! Now I get why people love to talk about it, it is so amazing. The only problem I have with it, is that I falling for Dylan, but I really want Lexi to kiss one of the guys. They are so caring with her, and you can see that they would be an amazing fit. But I understand, I only stayed dating my boyfriend after a few months of being his best friend. I even dated other people, until one day we just clicked, and now we have been together for almost six years.

10th Jan 20

Dear Diary,

Today I am bloody tired again! I feel like since I started working those are my two kids, a zombie or an almost dead zombie (at least I am a cute zombie!). Today I was thinking about discrimination. People discriminate a lot. Worse, they predominantly discriminate against features which cannot be chosen. Such as race, gender, sexual orientation, age and so on. If people condemned wrong behaviour, then I would have an easier time understanding, even if I find it isn't our job to judge others. But no, people love to make others feel bad about situations they cannot change. One of those things is addiction and mental health illness. The worst is that we do it very often actually. How many times did you look at someone and thought, 'oh my gosh, how can that person let themselves become so big or so small?'. Have they ever thought that maybe those people do not want to be like that, or even if they do, that there is a reason for that. If I ask around me what they thought about people that self harm themselves, they would probably say that they need help and support to get better. Well, overeating or under eating is a form of self harm. Who in their health state would like to strain their bodies to the point that they do not work well anymore? Exactly, no one. That's not to say that mental health is always responsible. I also find that ignorance will also lead to bad nourishment. Both of these reasons are not something to make fun of. A lot of times addiction and mental illness come together. So next time before you judge someone based on their addiction, think about all the fight they go through every day just to stay breathing. I gave an example of food addiction, but you can also use it for alcohol, drugs and so on. When people need help and are at their most vulnerable and lowest, they just need someone to be empathetic and to not judge them. They need someone to try and understand them. That can make all the difference. I hope I can be that person for someone.
P.S.: I am still reading the veil diaries. It is so good! I do not want to go to work tomorrow just so I can stay reading it 

10th Jan 20 (supposed to be 9th Jan 20)

Dear Diary,
Yesterday I forgot to make a post! I now! Scandalous. I was so distracted by the new book that I forgot to do my entry until it was too late, and I really needed to go to sleep. Yesterday I went shopping for my graduation dress (again, I know) but instead I bought some bras. I think I was more excited for that then I would be if i bought my graduation dress. I am one of those fortunate/unfortunate (perspective makes every opinion so different) people with larger breasts, so it is really difficult to buy pretty bras for my size. When I end up finding it, they are usually plain black, white or nude bras, and it is so frustrating! Why don't they make pretty bras for everyone?! They should have a vast range of sizes but instead they make it for small to normal sizes, and then people like me need to get the plain ones. How is that fair? I am quite lucky because I use a size 14 UK so I get all type of clothes in my size, but just the the fact that because I am within the 'normal sizes' makes me feel lucky is infuriating. I shouldn't have to feel lucky just because the makers thought my size was good enough for them to make clothes that will fit me. They should make clothes that encompass all sizes! So the question is, what can we do to change this? To make sure everyone's sizes are available? Well I think the answer is quite simple. If we shop in stores that are all size inclusive, then those will become more and more popular which will make them open more stores, thus becoming more readily available to everyone, regardless of where they live. Also, the popular stores will notice a decrease on their sales and will see an increase in popularity in all size inclusive stores, so they might try to change their ways and start to provide more sizes.
P.S.: The book that made so distracted is the Veil Diaries by B.L. Brunnemer. It is so good that you will lose yourself to it, and by the time you realise there is a world all around you, you will have been re as ding it for hours! It is that good.

8th Jan 20

Dear Diary,

Today I just feel sad. There is no reason for it, but I just feel an emptiness inside. Sometimes I feel like that, especially as the day progresses. I actually had a good day. I had a driving lesson which went fine, I relaxed at home and I went shopping for my graduation's dress. All in all it was a good day. So you can imagine my surprise, when as the day went by that darkness, my old friend, returned. Sometimes I wondered if this feeling of emptiness is a result of being such an ambitions person. I find ambition to be a very valuable trait, because only those who have it, fight with all their might to reach their goals. You need ambition to reach the finish line, and you need perseverance to finish it in first. The downside of ambition is disappointment. Ambitious people tend to be very self critical. Sometimes I find that to be the root of all the emptiness I mentioned, because I haven't reached my goals. Maybe one day when I reach it I will feel fulfilled. But if I have to be honest with myself, I don't believe so. Bt the time I reach the goals I have now, I am sure I will have made new goals, so this will be a never ending cycle. So what can I do to make myself feel better? That's what I have been thinking about. It feels like there is no right answer. I know I should start celebrating the small targets I make for myself, but they feel so insignificant compared to my main objectives. I also know that it isn't about how fast I get there or what is waiting on the other side, that it is about the journey, the climb (yes I know it's corny, but I am from the Hannah Montana generation, don't blame me). The answer seems so simple, to just appreciate the now and stop focusing so much on the after. In reality it is so hard. It is so hard to forget about what in my head means endless happy. That's what reaching my goals means to me. I see myself endlessly happy. So not focusing on them means to me the same as not focusing on my happiness. Uggghh! It is such a frustrating cycle! I wish I had the answers for today's dilemma, but I guess those will need to be found another day. I believe that part of growing up is to know when you don't hold the answers, and to realise that that is okay, that time will help you answer them.
Maybe for today I can just appreciate the fact that I am asking the questions. After all, the only way to have answers is to first ask questions.
P.S.: I tried to read 2 different series today and they both frustrated me. One was by Twist me by Anna Zaires and Dima Zales and the other was the Hunger Saga by Tyranni Thomas. The first one left me so angry. It was about this girl that is kidnapped by an attractive older guy, and slowly starts 'falling in love with him' even though he displays non consensual sadist episodes. The whole thing just romanticizes Stockholme Syndrome. It got me really riled up! The 2nd series was just planning boring. I couldn't even get past the first few chapters. The whole thing was confusing and strange, and I felt like there was no introduction to the bizarre world, which left me clueless as to what was going on.

7th Jan 20

Dear Diary,

Today I had a soft day at work, and because of it, I felt really upset. It is silly but I felt like I didn't work enough since I wasn't tired enough. Aren't we made funny? What we learn as children stays ingrained in us even in adulthood, which makes me question how much of our personality is due to our parents. There is this saying where I come from, that everyone will become their parents at some point. I never believed in that, I always thought I was my own self and they could not influence me at all, regardless of how hard they tried. As I grow up, I start to see that that isn't true. Yes, I am different from my mum, but my core values are the name. I believed in respect, honesty and loyalty above all. And even though we have very different opinions when discussing different topics, those opinions still come from those same core values. For example, my mum feels like now a days people dress in a shameful way because they show top much skin. I believe people should wear whatever they like because it is their body. They both came from the same core value, respect. She believes we should respect ourselves, and to do so, we should cover ourselves because the world doesn't need to see everything we have to offer (she speaks in a funny way). I believe in respect, we should respect ourselves, and by allowing myself to dress the way I want to and feel good, I am respecting myself. So even though we seem to have very contrary opinions, they both come from the same core values, but because we were born in different times and in different places, those core values will rest in different opinions. That made me reflect and think of all the times I thought someone was wrong because they had the opposite opinion, when in fact we might have been arguing for the same side but having different meanings.
P.S.: I finally finished book 4! Can't wait for the 5th book to come out! Btw I still recommend this series 100%. At times it seemed like it dragged out, in this book, but the ending is worth it.

6th Jan 2020

Dear Diary,

So today I worked one of the murderous long days. Almost at the end of my shift, the senior staff asked me about what my mum cooked for dinner (they think it is funny that I still live with my parents and they cook for me and everything), I told her I didnt know yet. So she asked what I ate for lunch, I told her that it was a beans and meat food and that I didn't know the name cause mum knows the name (I know I am going into a lot of detail unnecessarily but bear with me). Another senior staff was with us, and she told me that I am such a mummy girl, and I said straight away yes.
Later when I was getting home, I thought to myself about the conversation and that's when I thought that maybe she didn't mean that as a compliment, maybe she thinks being a "mummy's girl" is a bad thing.
That situation made me realise that we take things as offensive or insulting when we use them as such. For example, because I always say that I am a mama's girl, and I am proud of it, I took that remark as something positive. However, if someone had told me I was fat, I would have taken that as offensive. So I came to a conclusion, that the problem isn't in what other people say but the opinions I have on that matter. If I learn to think that fat is not an offensive word, but just a word to describe a body physique, and maybe even a good word (because bodycon dresses look amazing with curves!), then I will embrace the word and wear it proud next time someone uses it. I think that's an exercise we should all do, we should take a word that we view as negative and make it positive, so regardless of how people use it, we will take it with pride and own it.
P.s.: I am still reading the same book since I was working the whole day, but I just found out that there is a 5th book in the series that will only come out in February so now I am annoyed that I will have to wait. It is worth it though.

5th Jan 2020
Dear diary,

Today I went out with some friends, and I mentioned about my new project (leaving my imprint in the vast world of the internet), and she asked if I could give her a shout out even though I did not tell her the name of my blog, so thank you E for all of the happy memories!
Life is so full of happy moments when we stop and take time to think about it, but it seems as if we focus so much in all the past, present and future problems, that we forget about the happy ones. And that's when people like E are necessary in our lives. E never focuses on the negative and dark thoughts, she always sees the world in a good lighting, she finds the lightness even in the darkest of times (I know, I know, I am a geek). We need more people like E in this world, people that makes us forget about what we can't change, and makes us feel positive about what we can. E is like a mermaid (which she actually believes they exist, she is so precious :3 ), she is one of a kind, and in this world that is what we most need.
Anyway, I've done the shout out she asked and even more, so let me tell you about the rest of the day. Because of my friends, I decided this year I would like to start exercising routinely as I had done in the past, not running since I hate it, but a type of exercise that bring me happiness. I was thinking something like pole dancing for fitness, but I dunno if my parents will be happy about it. I feel like I should start taking a firm rein of my life, and what better way than to be in charge of my body. That does not mean that if I don't exercise, I will not be in charge of my body, it just means that I always felt more in charge when I pushed myself to the limit, and exercise provides me that. I hope I actually go through with it, since sometimes I let myself procrastinate too much and don't go through with what I originally planned. Only time will tell!
By the way, my graduation is next week and I just thought about it, so I will need to buy a dress and get everything set for next week. I wish I was like one of those people that just know what works with their bodies, but I guess that only comes with trial and error. I think I will be going with my mum shopping for the dresses since she is always honest if they look good or not, because let's be honest, the last thing we need is to go with someone that says you look lovely even when you don't, and then you look like a Shar Pei (if you haven't seen one, then you definitely need to google it and you will understand what I mean).
Lastly, I have been binge reading the series I mentioned yesterday and I am already on the 4th book! I am loving it! I reccomend it to everyone.

4th Jan 20

Dear Diary,

Today was my day off and I slept for more than 12 hours. I was knackered! Still am if I am honest. In my line of work, winter means that we are super busy, and to top that, I worked on new year's eve and new year's, so it was even more chaotic. So I decided that I would do absolutely nothing today, I finished reading my previous book and started a new one by Meg Xuamei X called Half blood academy (which I am loving it!), I also ate (my one true love, food) and I just went food shopping with mum, basically I had a perfect day. I am one of those people that prefers to stay at home than go out, to my mum and sister's dismay.
Even though I had a quiet day, I consider myself to have been very brave, since I decided to weigh myself, something I hadn't done since just before Christmas. I am one of those curvy girls that fight the brave battle of self acceptance. I am always getting depressed about it, then having moments of happiness where I just accept it and work with what I have. I wish I didn't have thoughts about wanting to be something I am not, skinny. People talk about the importance of surrounding their kids with good influences, and I always thought what a load of bull***s, but now I realise they are right. When we see on tv, all over the media, people being successful, happy and loved and they all look the same, our brains makes that association, and when we look different, we start to question the right we have to have those things. And I know that sounds insane, why would someone not have a right to be happy, but that's embedded in our brains, making the act of self acceptance a daily struggle.
I find that speaking about it helps me. It helps me realise how silly it sounds, but it also helps me to analyse, to analyse this need to fit a mold, and maybe by analysing enough, that mold can start to look more like myself and less like an impossible figure.
So today I can say that I struggled, and that is okay to admit, and writing about it helped me feel better, so if someone ever feels like me, I hope they can write about it cause I am sure they will feel better.
For tomorrow, I am hoping for a more positive loving day, but still with loads of rest.

3/1/20
Dear Diary,

My name is Sophia (I know, duh), and I am just a girl looking for something. I know it wasn't very poetic, but I am looking for so many things, that it makes it so hard to find exactly what, I guess I am just looking to truly know myself. That is such a weird thing to say, but how well do we truly know ourselves?
I know that I am impulsive (please check how my first entry wasn't an introduction but a thought, because I decided yesterday that I would start writing so I jumped head first. I swear one of these days the head will break), I love to have discussions about everything and anything, specially philosophical ones, I know I like to help because it makes me feel worth of being in this world, I know I smile a lot (everyone at work comments about it), I smile even when inside it's dark, and I guess I know I love to love, and I do love with a passion.
I know a lot about myself, but there is even more things that I do not know. I just finish my degree, and naturally that was the time when I started wondering about all other different degrees that maybe I should have chosen. I do not know what I want to do with my life, I do not even know the point of living, what are we actually here doing (sorry, the philosophy coming out again). I just mean that I wish i knew myself, do other people ever feel like that? Sometimes I think I am the only one (egocentric I know), but I feel like people are always inquiring about the outside world but never about their own selves. Maybe if we knew ourselves better, we would know the world better.
Oh, I almost forgot, the other thing I know about myself is that I love to read! I used to read a lot when I was little, but as I grew up, I sadly stopped. Around 2 years ago I read this series called Vampire Academy by Richelle Mead, and I haven't stopped since. When I am off I tend to read one book a day, when I am working it is more difficult because I do long shifts so I spent 12.5 hours at work. Another important thing about myself is that I am a huge potterhead! I love anything Harry Potter related, maybe one day I will show my Harry Potter shelf.
Anyway, I guess that's me diary, simply Sophia.
P.S.: Still reading the same amazing book as yesterday since I worked today, and because it's winter, it was so busy that I didn't even have all my breaks, thus not being able to finish it.

2nd Jan 2020

Dear Diary,
So today while I was showering (yes, I am one of those shower geniuses, that have their most brilliant thoughts with foam sliding on their face and their eyes burning), anyway.. As I was saying, I was showering when I started thinking about success, and how one day when I have a child I will teach him that he can be whoever he wants to be and that's the greatest form os success. And the most important lesson is that the only thing in the way of you being who you want to be, is you. From here I thought about alm the arguments people come up with to remove their responsibility in not succeeding in being who they want to be, such as people not allowing them to reach it because of racism, sexual orientation, religion, etc. And I started thinking to myself, before you consider that maybe you should have gotten that manager position instead of lazy Bob, and it must be because of one of those reason I mentioned above or something else, have you thought about what you lack? Have you thought about all the other reasons that maybe justify you not getting it? Maybe you're not a communicative person, maybe they think Bob shows more interest, or works harder (when they are watching anyway). If there is one thing in this society that we love to do (me included), we love to blame others for our failure. We are the only person standing in the way of our success!
That's not to say that some people aren't actually sabotaged because of the reasons above, I am just saying that even if you are then change. Chase after what you want, and if you can't reach your destination in the lane you are, then change it!
I know it sounds really easy, and sometimes it isn't, but I also know that I for one make a lot of excuses of why things are not easy, instead of focusing on making them easier.
Maybe I am too innocent, but it is just one perspective of the world. If anyone has any others then I am always happy to hear them.
I also thought about some other things on the shower, mainly about how in every single minority group, you see prejudice against people on the other side, and if we want people to respect us, we need to respect others, if we want honesty, we need to be honest with others. We can't expect things to be given just because we want them, we need to treat others the way we want them to treat us (as my mum always says). As a woman, I can't show favouritism to other women, just because I feel as a gender our ancestors suffered in the hands of cruel men. If I want to be treated as an equal and have equal rights, then I need to start by doing it myself. I can't expect men to treat me with respect, dignity and honor just because I am part of a group that suffered, I need to treat them like I want to be treated, because besides what people think, we have no rights to make demands on how we should be treated, when we don't do it ourselves.

Anyway, today I am reading this book by CoraLee June called Burnout, and let me tell you that I am 1/4 of the way through and I am loving it! It has the right amount of chemistry, and background story to make me want to finish the boom as soon as I can, but also savour it for as long as I can.