4th Jan 20

Dear Diary,

Today was my day off and I slept for more than 12 hours. I was knackered! Still am if I am honest. In my line of work, winter means that we are super busy, and to top that, I worked on new year's eve and new year's, so it was even more chaotic. So I decided that I would do absolutely nothing today, I finished reading my previous book and started a new one by Meg Xuamei X called Half blood academy (which I am loving it!), I also ate (my one true love, food) and I just went food shopping with mum, basically I had a perfect day. I am one of those people that prefers to stay at home than go out, to my mum and sister's dismay.
Even though I had a quiet day, I consider myself to have been very brave, since I decided to weigh myself, something I hadn't done since just before Christmas. I am one of those curvy girls that fight the brave battle of self acceptance. I am always getting depressed about it, then having moments of happiness where I just accept it and work with what I have. I wish I didn't have thoughts about wanting to be something I am not, skinny. People talk about the importance of surrounding their kids with good influences, and I always thought what a load of bull***s, but now I realise they are right. When we see on tv, all over the media, people being successful, happy and loved and they all look the same, our brains makes that association, and when we look different, we start to question the right we have to have those things. And I know that sounds insane, why would someone not have a right to be happy, but that's embedded in our brains, making the act of self acceptance a daily struggle.
I find that speaking about it helps me. It helps me realise how silly it sounds, but it also helps me to analyse, to analyse this need to fit a mold, and maybe by analysing enough, that mold can start to look more like myself and less like an impossible figure.
So today I can say that I struggled, and that is okay to admit, and writing about it helped me feel better, so if someone ever feels like me, I hope they can write about it cause I am sure they will feel better.
For tomorrow, I am hoping for a more positive loving day, but still with loads of rest.