8th Jan 20

Dear Diary,

Today I just feel sad. There is no reason for it, but I just feel an emptiness inside. Sometimes I feel like that, especially as the day progresses. I actually had a good day. I had a driving lesson which went fine, I relaxed at home and I went shopping for my graduation's dress. All in all it was a good day. So you can imagine my surprise, when as the day went by that darkness, my old friend, returned. Sometimes I wondered if this feeling of emptiness is a result of being such an ambitions person. I find ambition to be a very valuable trait, because only those who have it, fight with all their might to reach their goals. You need ambition to reach the finish line, and you need perseverance to finish it in first. The downside of ambition is disappointment. Ambitious people tend to be very self critical. Sometimes I find that to be the root of all the emptiness I mentioned, because I haven't reached my goals. Maybe one day when I reach it I will feel fulfilled. But if I have to be honest with myself, I don't believe so. Bt the time I reach the goals I have now, I am sure I will have made new goals, so this will be a never ending cycle. So what can I do to make myself feel better? That's what I have been thinking about. It feels like there is no right answer. I know I should start celebrating the small targets I make for myself, but they feel so insignificant compared to my main objectives. I also know that it isn't about how fast I get there or what is waiting on the other side, that it is about the journey, the climb (yes I know it's corny, but I am from the Hannah Montana generation, don't blame me). The answer seems so simple, to just appreciate the now and stop focusing so much on the after. In reality it is so hard. It is so hard to forget about what in my head means endless happy. That's what reaching my goals means to me. I see myself endlessly happy. So not focusing on them means to me the same as not focusing on my happiness. Uggghh! It is such a frustrating cycle! I wish I had the answers for today's dilemma, but I guess those will need to be found another day. I believe that part of growing up is to know when you don't hold the answers, and to realise that that is okay, that time will help you answer them.
Maybe for today I can just appreciate the fact that I am asking the questions. After all, the only way to have answers is to first ask questions.
P.S.: I tried to read 2 different series today and they both frustrated me. One was by Twist me by Anna Zaires and Dima Zales and the other was the Hunger Saga by Tyranni Thomas. The first one left me so angry. It was about this girl that is kidnapped by an attractive older guy, and slowly starts 'falling in love with him' even though he displays non consensual sadist episodes. The whole thing just romanticizes Stockholme Syndrome. It got me really riled up! The 2nd series was just planning boring. I couldn't even get past the first few chapters. The whole thing was confusing and strange, and I felt like there was no introduction to the bizarre world, which left me clueless as to what was going on.